I have written about my insecurities and the need to embrace them and I’ve written blogs in regards to the things I need to work on in life that includes the inconsistencies that are holding me back or Chakra imbalances that even I as a healer need to work on. I have questioned myself as a mother, a writer, and a healer. I strongly feel that we let fear control us in one way or another. I’ve never seen or saw a positive side to fear, until recently.
Two months ago, I got an infection in my knee. This came about two weeks after my husband came home from working six months out-of-town. He missed his family and wanted to be home on the daily with our kids, he was missing out on a lot. I was so happy that he would be home because it was hard. I was lonely, I missed him the kids missed him and I didn’t like feeling as if I was a single mom. I had been there and done that. I was fearful of what was happening without me when he was gone. Which were only figments of my imagination, but those were nothing compared to his fears that would almost destroy us again after I got out of the hospital.
He would be taking a $1200.00 pay cut a month. Which was fine by me. I was getting my husband back, the kids would see their dad and we could focus on our future. A week into it, I suppose he started to feel stress when he realized how much of a cut would be coming out of our finances. He tried not to mention it but seemed rather snappy. We would argue about everything from the lack of attention I gave the house and some other stuff I didn’t agree with. The bottom line was, he suddenly wanted me to get a job. The way he went about it was all fear based.
I had been trying to build up a clientele for my healing business at an amazing Metaphysical store in Stevensville, MT. I was doing readings and Reiki sessions. I had begun this while he was out-of-town. I was writing ideas for great blogs that I’d hope to inspire people and between healing, writing, and the kids…I was not going to have time for a real job. I’m not a lazy person, I’ve worked hard all my life and now the things I wanted top priority in my life were going to be pushed to the back burner again. What hurt the most was that his fear blinded him from seeing what I did do for our family. All he saw was the lack of money in our life. Arguing about finances wasn’t new to us, but it never made me feel on the defensive like it did at this time.
My fear, of not being able to do what I wanted was consuming. I was angry at him and our situation. The consistency on my writing was put on hold due to my frustration. As the moon began to become full again with the Blue Moon and the Eclipse at the end of January, fear of having to let go or postpone my path again really pissed me off. I remember being outside thinking to myself, ‘If only he could know what I do if only he could see how valuable I am to this family. I just wish he knew what it was to be me.’ At this point, I will suggest NEVER to wish anything along those lines.
As if the universe answered me, I woke up on February 1st with a very swollen knee. I went to the urgent care, two trips to the ER and a followup with my actual Doctor. It was my Doctor who rushed me off to the local orthopedic surgeon. The next day, I had an emergency surgery for a very bad Staph infection. As many of you may know, Staph is caused by bites or cuts in our bodies, from what I understand anyway. I had none, it’s still a mystery. I spent two weeks in the hospital, 1 week taking to many pills and another week recovering for the wrong amount of pills I took. I was taking antidepressants with pain and sleeping pills. I was a hot mess.
My husband was lovingly there during my surgery and my stay in the hospital. But that first week home, he was once again consumed by fear. He wanted to leave me, but not for our current financial situation, but for my poor financial decisions while we were separated three freakin’ years ago. All this happening while my over medicated mind was trying to wrap my head around what he was saying. I don’t remember much about that week, but I do know…I was leaving. I was going to the woman’s shelter and I was taking my kids.
Not expecting my reaction, he realized he was wrong and when I came out of my medicated daze, we talked about it. We discussed his fear of not having enough and I pointed out all the wonderful things we do have. I told him my fears, I don’t want a mundane life of just working. He pointed out where I was wrong, some things that I was too selfish to realize. Having a job or even a part-time job didn’t mean I would have to give up my dreams. My reluctance to work was frustrating to him, and it still continues to be a topic in our conversations, but not a fearful one.
Fear of not knowing or the dreadful possibilities of what may come can destroy a person or a relationship. Facing that fear can open a door to a wide range of possibilities. Life is scary whether you’re doing it alone or with another, but overcoming the fear and letting life flow helps you to embrace your fears and learn from them.
I watched fear destroy my family’s business. I have let fear hold me back and almost destroy my marriage. This particular incident in my life made me fearful for my life and my direction. I came out of it not wanting to be scared anymore. Life is too short, don’t take little things for granted and that includes something like a knee and especially a husband and children. Fear of losing your dreams because you have to take responsibility for those that are so important to you is just an excuse to not follow through with where you are going.
Discovering this for myself has been my positive side of fear. When I did come out of my medicated daze in March, I realized my dreams were still there, I just might have to work a little harder and less selfish, and my husband, well he did realize I do a lot to make our home function. I still might have to get a job when I can walk again, but that’s o.k. Family First!!
With Lots of Love,
Elena, The Chakra Faery
My Husband is Awesome and supportive. I asked before I put him on blast. Thanks, Babe, I love you!!