I remember once when I was teaching a Pilates Class and my older girls were sitting in the reception area and they were listening to me teach this class. In my classes I talked calmly about breathing it in and letting it go. I did Chakra meditations at the end of each class and hoped that my clients left feeling stretched, calmed and balanced. After the class my oldest daughter told me that, when I was talking it didn’t even sound like me.
I was so calm. I was so doing and talking how I always do when teaching a class or doing a healing session. I realized that I have many sides, I have different personalities. Well here is a technique I still have yet to answer and please comment below if you have any suggestions. How do you balance your parenting self and your spiritual self. I suppose this blog is in response to my own inquiry and writing about it, may will help me figure it out since I had an outburst of frustration towards my fifteen year old daughter the other day.
My spiritual self would like to see me calm and collected with a clean house, healthy organic snacks at the table always, and happy harmony when the children run in the door from school. I have 3 children in elementary school, a teenage daughter in high school that is home schooled and a college student who lives with her dad in California. I feel like a tornado runs through my house every day around 4pm, they are hungry and fighting and they throw their jackets and backpacks all over the floor. I picture it like being Joy from Inside Out…and then BOOM anger just explodes after telling them multiple times to pick up their stuff. Well there goes that balanced feeling I had after meditation today. I feel like crap after my son says, “Why are mad Mommy?” I’m automatically the bad guy. I try breathing, I try talking and when I do these things they look at me like I’m bothering them.
Now back to my frustration with my fifteen year old daughter, who I feel is very wise for her age. I was very angry for her not checking in, because I worry about my children when they are not home. She’s always either working, or bike riding or hanging out with her friends. Her friends are normal teenagers and do normal teenage things which isn’t always the greatest things in my mind. I expressed how I don’t see her, she’s always busy, because one of the most admirable things about this girl is she is a go getter. She makes things happen and she reminds me a lot of myself, but super ambitious for a girl her age. Well, I’m pretty upset with her and she looks at me and says “Mom, it’s hard to balance being a friend and being a parent.”
Then it hit me, so is this the answer I’m looking for? I’m not your friend, I’ve heard this before, I’m your parent. I’m a spiritual warrior, and I wish to the universe that I could have been on more of a spiritual path when my kids were brought into this world and no matter what mistakes I’ve made, I have always loved them unconditionally, but I’m your parent and not your friend and my frustration comes from trying to appease them constantly, even when it’s difficult, which makes me feel like a terrible mother.
The most favorite thing I hear from my older children is ‘why are you making this all about you?’ Well, honestly I’m not making it about me, it’s all about you and how guilty I feel for not being the mom I feel you deserve, because I made mistakes and I want the best for all my children. Spiritually, emotionally, and even financially I let you down and I let guilt bring me down to that level, where I couldn’t function.
Which brings me to this conclusion, finding balance is about forgiveness and doing my best until my best is good enough. If I can’t forgive myself, I can’t move forward, I will stay stuck. Forgiving myself isn’t only about me, but for my kids. So, sorry kids…I can’t be your friend anymore, I can only be your mother that loves you with all her heart and right now that will have to do!! For now your snacks will be as organic as I can get them and the house will be as clean as time allows, but I will love you with every breath in my soul and I will be there for you the best way I can.
I’m sure I’m not alone, and if any moms read this and can relate, know that you are not alone. We are who we are and we learn from our mistakes and being in a place of balance and a place of inner peace is accepting who were are now and rolling with it.
In Love & Light,
Elena, The Chakra Faery